Does This Make My Hips Look Bad?
by ForevermoreNevermore
Summary: Larxene needs a new dress. Okay. Axel's bored out of his pea-sized mind. Okay. The two mix. Uh-oh.


_Well, this is total crack, so I hope you like it. _

_Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts._

'_Mental note: never go shopping with Larxene… NEVER!_' Axel mentally logged as he walked through the Forever 21 with two Starbucks in hand and a half gone (it was all there when he started) bottle of Aspirin. Larxene chattered like a chipmunk on spiked Oreos and Mountain Dew as she practically hopped from rack to rack, holding up one low-cut shirt after another saying, "Does this make me look cheap?"

"No, Larxene, it makes you look like a Butcher's Sunday special," he said sarcastically as she held up what looked like two pieces of cloth held together by string. She jumped in front of a mirror and held it up to her torso.

"Well, that's okay. But I want something that says, 'hey… you're hot, come over here and kiss me because I'm not coming over there,' do you know what-" Larxene stopped her ranting and cocked a single, finely plucked eyebrow at the redhead. "Axel… what are you doing?" Axel stopped wrestling with what was in his hands to answer her.

"I'm hanging myself with this stupid stringy shirt!" Axel spat at the blonde and continued to wrestle with the pink and black frilly thing. Larxene's face turned a deep shade of crimson.

"Um… Axel… that's not a shirt," she said, embarrassed. Axel looked at the big pink bow right in front of his nose and then threw it in the air.

"Aaaakkk!" He shouted, running out of the store. Larxene turned back to her dress and heard one of the oddest pink-haired guys she had ever met. Not that she knew one before, but still.

"Like, OMG! Do these come in my size?" he shrieked in a girly voice. There was a groaning sound.

"Sir… they don't make those in you size!" the clerk said. Larxene put the dress down and ran out of the store, (just in case Marluxia would see her and call her over to see what new frilly thing he had sniffed out next.)

"AAAAAXEEEEL! Wait for meeeeee!" she sang, running after the fuming redhead.

"Well, at least this has departments," Axel murmured under his breath as the two walked into a Dillards. Larxene had finally found him in a coffee shop, spilling his guts to Riku, who just so happened to be the unfortunate one drinking his coffee at that moment.

"OOOHHHHH!" Larxene squeed. Axel, who hadn't realized he had lost her, had half a mind to run. '_Oh, but she'll hunt me down,_' he thought grudgingly and skipped off towards the dresses. _'Might as well act like what people see.'_

"What is it now, Larxene?" Axel asked when he saw the bug-haired blonde standing next to a mirror. She twirled around to show him what it was exactly. It was a halter top, black, shiny dress that was lower than anything he had ever seen. (And that's saying something… you should see the girls in Vegas.)

"Isn't it hot? It's perfect!" she shouted, twirling around in the dress. Suddenly, she stopped and looked at her shoes.

"I need to go find some different shoes!" she said, throwing the dress at Axel. He grabbed it by the hanger and fiddled with the strings as Larxene ran off towards the shoes.

"Well, don't just stand there! Try it on!" she shouted over her shoulder. Axel looked at the dress then back at the blonde.

"WHY?" he asked. She pulled a knife out of her pocket and gave him a threatening glare.

"Because… I need shoes… you don't… you have nothing better to do… we have the same hips… now get in there and pull… it… on!" she said, dangerously calm. _'The same hips? Who is she kidding?' _Axel held up the dress, thought about it, but when he looked up to say no, buggy was already gone. With a forehead hot enough to fry an egg, he stomped back to the dressing rooms.

"Do you need a room?" the lady asked. Axel spared her a nod before walking to the boy's changing room. "Don't you need the girl's?" she asked, humor making her voice squeaky. Axel spun on his heel and glared at the girl.

"Do I look like a girl to you?" he shouted, pointing at his chest and, before he really thought, walked into the girl's and slammed the door shut.

He peeled of his Organization robe and slid into the black dress. He turned to look in the mirror, but found that there wasn't one.

"Lord, if you smite anybody who is out there while I am in this dress, I would be eternally grateful. I would stop lighting people's hair on fire," he pleaded to the ceiling. He sucked in his breath and threw the door open.

"Does this make me look fat?" a familiar orange-headed boy asked the salesclerk. He looked at the mirror and plucked at the fabric of his tux as if were some poisonous reptile. Axel immediately turned around, but it was too late. Roxas looked into his green eyes with his blue ones.

"Axel, why were you in the girl's dressing…" he trailed off as he looked down at what his friend was wearing. "Nice legs."

"Shut up! Stupid Larxene made me try it on!" Axel spat, pulling down the very short dress. Roxas grinned at him.

"Sure," he nodded and looked back in the mirror. Axel looked back up to the ceiling.

"Why don't you like me? I've been good and I made sure he had money to buy new clothes before I burnt them," he whined to the ceiling. Roxas chuckled and turned back around to the mirror.

"Larxene!" Axel turned around to see the blonde walk up with a huge box. Axel put his hands on his hips and glared at her.

"Well… does it fit?" he asked sarcastically. She put down the box, put her hand to her chin, and looked at him. She walked around him and then stopped in front of him.

"I think it fits fine, but we need to make exceptions," she mused aloud. Axel looked at her.

"What exceptions?" he asked, eyes narrowed suspiciously. She picked up her shoebox and took the lid of. She pulled out a boot (and that was one heck of a boot. In fact, it looked more like a legging,) and out of it, retrieved a bunch of wads of brown tissue paper. She separated them, held them up, and then separated them some more. After she was satisfied, she walked over to Axel like he was a mouse and she was the cat. When she was standing right in front of him, she spoke.

"These exceptions," and she pulled out the dress and dropped the paper lumps down the front. Axel screeched and jumped back. Turning, he glared into the mirror.

"I-I-I-I-I…" he stuttered. "PITY ME! Fan-girls no longer want my looks… they want my body!" he broke-down and cried. He ran over to the counter, placed his palms on the table, and glared down at the clerk. "Can I sue?" he asked, his neck veins bulging.

"You can't sue me, you can't sue the store, but you sure as heck can sue her!" she laughed, pointing to Larxene. At that moment… and that was possibly the worse moment, someone came up behind Axel. He felt a stinging and knew that some stupid, half blind boy was about to die.

"Why did you just slap me there?" he asked, his voice high in furry. There was a chuckling.

"Because you're hot, that's why," a voice purred. Axel felt his hands grow hot and he whipped around to see Sora looking at him, his expression: cocky.

"Oh, you haven't seen hot! How about if I burn you to a crisp and then eat you like burnt chicken? Or… should I feed you to Xigbar? I hear he hasn't eaten in a while and he goes a little coo-coo!" Axel spat, his eye twitching slightly. Sora's expression became horror as he saw that the girl he was hitting on was about to hit back.

"OH GOOD- AXEL?" Sora screeched. Axel looked down at him.

"Glad you've got it memorized. Took you long enough," Axel rolled his eyes. Sora backed up until he hit the wall.

"I-uh… sorry Axel. I thought you were a girl and-" he stopped and looked at him. "How… in… Hades way… did those… get THERE?" Sora asked. Axel had had about as much as he could take. He pulled out the wads of paper and threw them down.

"Larxene! I've had about as much of this as I can handle! I'm through trying on dresses and junk like that!" He started to stomp off, but then turned around and looked at the dumbfounded Larxene. "And… just so you know, you're hips will never fill out. You'll be a top-heavy stick for the rest of you life!" he spat and ran out of the store, dress flowing around him. The salesclerk looked up at him as he walked past.

"Um, ma'am… you've got to buy that first!"


End file.
